Everyone told me, time will heal the wound, I will feel the pain of loss lesser and lesser as time passes. But does it really happen?
In my opinion what happens is exactly the opposite. The pain intensifies. The feeling of loss is so intense that it almost kills you. But as they whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that holds true in this case as well. Initially when you have the loss, or you get the news, you are numb and that numbness continues for days and weeks and you try to get back to the life that was. You feel, you have overcome the hardest part, episodes of anger and denial are fewer and you are just doing what you did earlier. But then suddenly after a few weeks, the realization hit you, the trigger could be you pressing the speed dial button to call your mom, or finding a recently knit sweater by her for your two year old son. The numbness is gone and finally the enormity of it all sets in. The realization that you can never call her, that she will never talk to you or advice you ever. The fact that you cannot hug her anymore hits you and getting back up from that, is a battle hard to win. There is no win here. Its all loss, whether I try running away from the thought, whether I take it head-on , whether I try giving it any spiritual twist, fact is I cannot hug her ever again (in this body and in her human form which I knew as my mother).
As time passes that thought , the resignation , the helplessness of not talking to her, not able to have our daily calls, not being able to discuss my son with her, magnifies. I cannot comfort myself by saying okay in sometime I will get to talk to her. No I cannot tell my son, yes she will come back to your house. I cannot fool myself in to thinking I will ever touch her feet again. And there the time with its passing instead of healing, does the job of putting salt on my scars. The scars on my heart, have no way to heal as there is none. The loss is permanent and so is the scar. Loss is irreversible and so is the emptiness and the void of the heart.
Neither will or can time heal it nor any person.
No matter how many more relations I add in my life, I will always be less one person. One person who was the center of my being, who gave me my identity and my life. How can time or anything ever heal the wound created by this existential loss?
It never can.
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